naked bodies

//

I saw you undress and I never encountered the hideous monsters you had talked about//

I saw you peel off layer by layer and only saw more of you//

I saw into your eyes as you stood naked and saw the monsters rage inside, but your calloused skin was untouched.//

There is a whole lot of beauty in just one person.//

Every single one of my close friends has independently talked about their body dysmorphia or body image struggles with me in the past couple of days//

What kind of day is it even if every body is ugly?//

I am the vessel for your pain, and yet I draw the same paper cuts along my mental skin//

We all have being alive in common, we all have feeling inadequate in common.

//

Tonight

Today I wanted to give your eyes,

so tired and wide open in search of something good,

a place to hang on to,

an island to spot

in a sea of grueling waves.

*

Today I wanted to let my feelings lash out

But then I caught your empty stare

And realized

Where I have a flood, you have a drought,

When my words form like waterfalls

Yours dry up in the wells of your mind

And I will become the monsoon in your desert

That drowns the dried-up life.

*

Today I tried to pry you open

With velvet gloves and careful hands

But the door was shut and I shut mine as well.

Today I don’t know what tomorrow will be

and tonight, I’m trying my best

to keep my sight as short as it can get

and to only look

at the very next step.

*

“Tonight, I’ll be brave!” I said,

As I swung my tired sword

Against every single of a thousand words

That tell me I’m the fault.

*

Tonight! I’ll cut the soldiers down

That tell me I’m the sea

In which the waves go up and down

And ever on in claiming you

And I’ll lay the jealous beasts to rest

That make me go

“what if?”

*

Tonight I’ll be no more a harbour

To all the strays a callous mind

Will set free on the streets

Of abandoned thoughts

And outlaw contemplation

But tonight, I’ll be setting out a warm lamp’s shine

And be a home to you.

1.3.2022

*

Behind the scenes, in quiet rooms and at night, the mental illnesses bloom silently.

Show me the way you are in agonizing pain, trace the scars of your suffering on my body and let me shed cold light on the skeletons in your closet.

Let them dance for me, rattle their pale bones and I’ll stare back at their grins full of fleshless teeth, a shiver running down my spine.

Undress in front of me, strip down to your true self, and let me marvel at its state of neglect.

We will smile together, wet smiles bearing pointy teeth our broken lips can no longer hide.

Our despair has grown roots to the core of this world, and they will not give, no matter how much we struggle to reach for the sky and the sun will ignite our paper-thin hearts, too.

Show me the burns on your skin from when you dared to bear your naked skin in daylight, they never heal, darling.

Their sickly-sweet smell a common ground between us, take my hand.

The romance is not dead, it is death now.

I will waltz with you one single time; I will caress your bones the way you have craved human touch for so long.

I will finish the choking grip life has on you, don’t you worry.

*

It’s like nobody has capacity for the casualties of the concept we caged ourselves in.

If you’re hurt along the way nobody will care about your chronic pain

because everybody is carrying their own

until some make it and most of us don’t – or –

most make it and some of us don’t?

//

I always felt that we were close

but now I feel dismissed,

maybe it was just as sad as I recall

and maybe it is just as daunting as I feel now

//

and maybe it’d be better if you listened

instead of telling me that it isn’t

//

and if this is what it has to be

at least teach me how to cope

and tell me what I feel is valid

and be open to discuss if – maybe-

there even is ways to change it?

her

And if I had been brought to this earth to heal, I would touch her gently.

I would ask her for permission to let my warmth caress her skin,

tracing her shape with fingertips so aware of

her beauty that radiates beyond the bruises and cuts

and scars she was given and gave herself.

I would linger over the sore muscles of her shoulders

That had carried all the weight there was

Till she screamed silently

For me to hear.

Her figure, that had never been enough

To her and the ones she wanted to prove her worth to

Would be more than enough for me

And how i could

spend eternity

just trying to grasp

the outline of her vessel in this world.

//

If I had been brought to this earth to mend,

I would hold her hand

When she reaches out with her other one

Offering peace to herself.

I would bring her a branch of olive

And lay it down

On the rain soaked earth

Of where all the weapons that were pointed at her

Are now buried

//

She’d find space in my arms to rest

And find love in the mirrors of my eyes.

I’d gift her air that wouldn’t choke her

And In the night I’d be a blanket

That no agonizing thought could slip through to her

//

If i’d be brought to this world to leave it bettered

I wouldn’t have much to do.

I’d listen to her every word with care;

i’d believe the stories she’d trust me with and

ask her what she needs from me

And how grateful I’d be

To give it.

//

I’d be proud of her and everything she is

And I’d tell her of herself

The strongest creature I’d ever met,

and the honor that I had

coming to her to heal